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The Baby that Begs to be Beaten [Feb. 13th, 2007|12:42 am]
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2005|06:28 pm]
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There's something a bit queer about these new U.S. Army recruitment ads...

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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2005|06:02 pm]
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For those of you who live in the US (i.e. the ones who matter), you are probably familiar with the recent craze of slapping yellow "support our troops" ribbons on cars and other places. It's nice, but it seems a bit somber. Where's the fun, the joy, the triumph of being an American soldier? They travel the world, bringing freedom and democracy to wherever they go. I can do better, and I did:

Use this address: http://www.filehigh.com/serve/4440/34719.gif to post the pic on your journal or site, or the terrorists win.

Other versions of the design for whatever patriotic purposes you may have:
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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2005|11:34 am]
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Superman's Widow Gets Cancer

Dana Reeve, the widow of deceased Superman star Christopher Reeve, has decided to preemptively respond to shocking revelations about her in an upcoming tabloid.

On the one hand, she admits that some of the claims are correct. She is, indeed, struggling with lung cancer. And as the chairwoman of the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Foundation, she will redirect its advocacy and research towards lung cancer. Accordingly, the organization will be renamed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Lung Cancer Foundation.

On the other hand, she disputes the publication's assertion that she said the following to a friend in a restaurant:
People are going to talk so much shit when they hear about this. They'll say I'm ditching the paralysis cause now that I've got cancer. But it's not like Chris ever gave a shit about paralysis until the accident. Then all of a sudden he's a hero 'cause he gets wheeled to award shows and begs for money to cure himself. Yeah, well, fuck that dead cripple! I'm the still here. And I plan to stick around.
Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account. The only factual news it contains is that Dana Reeve has lung cancer, which she totally deserves for all those years of smoking kryptonite rocks.
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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2005|09:53 am]
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Dead Baby Float

Today's news brings us a spectacular answer to an ancient question—How do you make a dead baby float?
Two-year-old Jatama Greene of Gary was ejected about 8:45 p.m. from the truck her mother was driving on the Cline Avenue ramp from the eastbound Indiana Toll Road. ... Keisha Bethley was driving in a car behind that driven by Jatama’s mother, Jacqueline Greene, when she saw the lead vehicle lose control and strike the retaining wall on the Cline Avenue ramp. ... The baby flew from the window, Bethley said.
This brings to mind The Simpsons episode "Moe Baby Blues", where little Maggie Simpson was also launched from a car on a bridge. Luckily for Maggie, she was caught by Moe Szyslak. Unluckily for her real life counterpart, there was no syphilitic bartender to catch Jatama.

The authorities are still searching for the projectile infant, but unless she's a champion swimmer in the making, she's probably dead. While the death of one so young is tragic, the extraordinary circumstance of this death merits whimsy and humor. After all, as Modest Mouse says, "we'll all float on anyway."
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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2005|08:52 am]
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If only I had a sufficiently ignorant acquaintance who is pregnant or has a newborn, I could give her this lovely bib as a gift, and tell her that "bukkake" means "sunshine" in Hawaiian.
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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2005|02:16 am]
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My New AIM Screen Name

AOL has seen fit to can my former AIM screen name without warning. While no official reason was given, I suspect it's to do with the fact that that screen name came from an AOL account that was canceled a while ago. As a result, I have lost my entire buddy list, which contained many screen names I don't exactly remember. So, my AIM-linked friends, please contact me at my new screen name: insightdelight.

To everybody else, feel free to drop me a line at the above screen name. Messages of praise and adulation are most welcome, as are complaints on how I have offended you.

In the latter case, please be specific about how, when and with what I have offended you. Please also be specific about how the offense has affected you, so that I may better tailor a remedy, for instance:
  • Did the offense cause you to lose sleep? If so, how much?
  • Did the offense give you pains in your body? If so, where and how severe is it?
  • Did the offense cause you to douche with gasoline, then play hopscotch over a fire pit?
Your complaint will be ignored in the order it is received.
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(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2005|02:47 pm]
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Fat, Drunken Star Trek Actor Croaks

Fat, drunken actor James Doohan, who played fat, drunken engineer Scotty in the Star Trek franchise, died today at the age of 85 from being so very fat and drunk. He was mainly known for obeying the phrase "beam me up, Scotty!", a phrase that headline writers announcing his death are happily abusing. He was often confused for fellow actor John Cleese and the whale in Star Trek IV. He is loved by similarly fat and drunken Star Trek fans, many of whom threaten to stuff their fat, drunken selves into ill-fitting costumes to attend his funeral.

In response to the news, Star Trek cast mate William Shatner released a statement claiming "first dibs" on Doohan's hair for a toupee. From his office in Seattle, Satan also released a statement promising that Doohan will be "sexually violated by Tribbles for his part in Star Trek V".
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2005|05:42 am]
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Bible-Thumping Dad Suspects 3 Year Old Son is Gay, Beats Son to Death

In between taking Little Ronnie to Bible study, Ronnie Paris Jr. would beat his son until the child cried. Then, after one particularly harsh bout, the kid lapsed into a coma and died 6 days later. The dad was apparently worried that his son might be gay, and tried to straighten his child with child abuse, according to the sister of the neglectful mother. We'll never know if Mr. Paris succeeded in beating the gay out of his son, but we do know that Mr. Paris will probably have the gay beat into him in prison.
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(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2005|05:59 pm]
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A long time ago, my friend Lampetia and I tossed around some ideas for a proper tribute to 9/11. We settled on a rave, in lieu of some somber, drab service with prayer and mourning. Why? Because the terrorists did not attack the US for its piety. They did so for the very opposite reason—They see Americans as debauched, uninhibited, godless, joyful, and it makes those ascetics fume. So what better way to show the cultists the country did not quaver and draw back from its decadent ways than a big ol' rave?

Well, she brought up the idea again recently, in reaction to news about two upcoming 9/11 films. She also left a hint that I should draw up an invite for this fantasy event, so here it is:

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