The Blog of Insight and Delight

The Baby that Begs to be Beaten

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:42:10 GMT

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 22:28:04 GMT

There's something a bit queer about these new U.S. Army recruitment ads...

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 22:02:48 GMT

For those of you who live in the US (i.e. the ones who matter), you are probably familiar with the recent craze of slapping yellow "support our troops" ribbons on cars and other places. It's nice, but it seems a bit somber. Where's the fun, the joy, the triumph of being an American soldier? They travel the world, bringing freedom and democracy to wherever they go. I can do better, and I did:

Use this address: http://www.filehigh.com/serve/4440/34719.gif to post the pic on your journal or site, or the terrorists win.

Other versions of the design for whatever patriotic purposes you may have:

Large version of the picture
http://www.filehigh.com/serve/4440/34700.gif
Large version of the picture without the background
http://www.filehigh.com/serve/4440/34701.gif

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 15:34:13 GMT

Superman's Widow Gets Cancer

Dana Reeve, the widow of deceased Superman star Christopher Reeve, has decided to preemptively respond to shocking revelations about her in an upcoming tabloid.

On the one hand, she admits that some of the claims are correct. She is, indeed, struggling with lung cancer. And as the chairwoman of the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Foundation, she will redirect its advocacy and research towards lung cancer. Accordingly, the organization will be renamed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Lung Cancer Foundation.

On the other hand, she disputes the publication's assertion that she said the following to a friend in a restaurant:

People are going to talk so much shit when they hear about this. They'll say I'm ditching the paralysis cause now that I've got cancer. But it's not like Chris ever gave a shit about paralysis until the accident. Then all of a sudden he's a hero 'cause he gets wheeled to award shows and begs for money to cure himself. Yeah, well, fuck that dead cripple! I'm the still here. And I plan to stick around.

Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account. The only factual news it contains is that Dana Reeve has lung cancer, which she totally deserves for all those years of smoking kryptonite rocks.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 13:53:15 GMT

Dead Baby Float

Today's news brings us a spectacular answer to an ancient question—How do you make a dead baby float?

Two-year-old Jatama Greene of Gary was ejected about 8:45 p.m. from the truck her mother was driving on the Cline Avenue ramp from the eastbound Indiana Toll Road. ... Keisha Bethley was driving in a car behind that driven by Jatama’s mother, Jacqueline Greene, when she saw the lead vehicle lose control and strike the retaining wall on the Cline Avenue ramp. ... The baby flew from the window, Bethley said.

This brings to mind The Simpsons episode "Moe Baby Blues", where little Maggie Simpson was also launched from a car on a bridge. Luckily for Maggie, she was caught by Moe Szyslak. Unluckily for her real life counterpart, there was no syphilitic bartender to catch Jatama.

The authorities are still searching for the projectile infant, but unless she's a champion swimmer in the making, she's probably dead. While the death of one so young is tragic, the extraordinary circumstance of this death merits whimsy and humor. After all, as Modest Mouse says, "we'll all float on anyway."

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 12:52:25 GMT

If only I had a sufficiently ignorant acquaintance who is pregnant or has a newborn, I could give her this lovely bib as a gift, and tell her that "bukkake" means "sunshine" in Hawaiian.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 06:16:41 GMT

My New AIM Screen Name

AOL has seen fit to can my former AIM screen name without warning. While no official reason was given, I suspect it's to do with the fact that that screen name came from an AOL account that was canceled a while ago. As a result, I have lost my entire buddy list, which contained many screen names I don't exactly remember. So, my AIM-linked friends, please contact me at my new screen name: insightdelight.

To everybody else, feel free to drop me a line at the above screen name. Messages of praise and adulation are most welcome, as are complaints on how I have offended you.

In the latter case, please be specific about how, when and with what I have offended you. Please also be specific about how the offense has affected you, so that I may better tailor a remedy, for instance:

Did the offense cause you to lose sleep? If so, how much?
Did the offense give you pains in your body? If so, where and how severe is it?
Did the offense cause you to douche with gasoline, then play hopscotch over a fire pit?

Your complaint will be ignored in the order it is received.

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 18:47:07 GMT

Fat, Drunken Star Trek Actor Croaks

Fat, drunken actor James Doohan, who played fat, drunken engineer Scotty in the Star Trek franchise, died today at the age of 85 from being so very fat and drunk. He was mainly known for obeying the phrase "beam me up, Scotty!", a phrase that headline writers announcing his death are happily abusing. He was often confused for fellow actor John Cleese and the whale in Star Trek IV. He is loved by similarly fat and drunken Star Trek fans, many of whom threaten to stuff their fat, drunken selves into ill-fitting costumes to attend his funeral.

In response to the news, Star Trek cast mate William Shatner released a statement claiming "first dibs" on Doohan's hair for a toupee. From his office in Seattle, Satan also released a statement promising that Doohan will be "sexually violated by Tribbles for his part in Star Trek V".

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 09:42:28 GMT

Bible-Thumping Dad Suspects 3 Year Old Son is Gay, Beats Son to Death

In between taking Little Ronnie to Bible study, Ronnie Paris Jr. would beat his son until the child cried. Then, after one particularly harsh bout, the kid lapsed into a coma and died 6 days later. The dad was apparently worried that his son might be gay, and tried to straighten his child with child abuse, according to the sister of the neglectful mother. We'll never know if Mr. Paris succeeded in beating the gay out of his son, but we do know that Mr. Paris will probably have the gay beat into him in prison.

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 21:59:35 GMT

A long time ago, my friend Lampetia and I tossed around some ideas for a proper tribute to 9/11. We settled on a rave, in lieu of some somber, drab service with prayer and mourning. Why? Because the terrorists did not attack the US for its piety. They did so for the very opposite reason—They see Americans as debauched, uninhibited, godless, joyful, and it makes those ascetics fume. So what better way to show the cultists the country did not quaver and draw back from its decadent ways than a big ol' rave?

Well, she brought up the idea again recently, in reaction to news about two upcoming 9/11 films. She also left a hint that I should draw up an invite for this fantasy event, so here it is:

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 23:10:00 GMT

Dubya-Wubya had a Great Fall

Poor Bushie! Ol' Mama Babs should never have taken off his training wheel, 'cause her special little boy keeps falling off his bike. Well, he did it again, only this time, he rammed into a Scottish policeman. Since the pretzeldent is over there to make friends, maybe he should try a more secluded location to go peddling. May I suggest the cliffs in Eshaness? It's a very scenic location, with lots of jagged rocks and thundering waves to cradle any unfortunate spills.

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 04:11:08 GMT

Hookers vs. Sluts

I got one thing to say to all the record companies, movie studios, software makers and those on their payroll who crusade against content piracy:

Just because there are sluts doesn't mean that hookers are out of business.

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 03:28:40 GMT

Cosplay.com's Extreme Oddity of the Week

For background info on this series, refer to the this post. And now, without further ado, I present to you this week's holocaust for the eyes:

He was part of a Mermaid Parade on Coney Island. If he actually swam in the sea, though, all the whales would flop onto the nearest beach and beg to be made sushi.

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 22:01:59 GMT

I Learn to be Politically Correct

When I cross-posted my preceding post to the Antitheism community, I was roundly spanked for my use of certain words. So I changed and changed again accordingly. Check out the result!

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 20:43:10 GMT

The Lazy Cunt

Sandra Day O'Connor, one of the slightly less insane nutjobs on the Supreme Court, has announced her retirement. This opens up a place for the nuttiest of nutjobs, George W. Bush, to appoint a like-minded nut to the court. She just couldn't hold it in there for another 4 years. Worthless cunt.

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 02:23:57 GMT

Cosplay.com's Extreme Oddity of the Week

For those of you who don't know, cosplay refers to the practice of anime/manga (and sometimes other media as well) fans who dress up like their favorite characters. In many cases, it's a geeky excuse for teens to explore their budding homosexuality, and/or dress up like a crazed whore. Cosplay.com provides a photo section that lets such hobbyists display the damage. Sometimes, though, a member goes above and beyond the call of dorkdom to produce an Extreme Oddity, like this one:

No, you silly little cunt, putting menses-smeared TP on your face is not artistic.

PS: This guy will be the next Columbine-style school shooter. You heard it here first.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 05:00:35 GMT

The War on Lust

The Real Battle over Fantasy

Welcome to the first article in the War on Lust series! Let's start with a bit of trivia: There are actually two US Constitutions. The first one is the one you'll find in history textbooks, the Library of Congress, and on handy websites like this. It's the official one. But then there's the one actually in effect. No, you can't see it. No one can see it except for 6 of the judges on the Supreme Court in 1957. It differs from the one we peasants are accustomed to—It includes the phrase "unless it's obscene" after the bit about "freedom of speech." And that invisible, magical version of the Constitution has been governing the country ever since.

Thomas A. Lambert was one recent unlucky soul to get caught by the invisible provision . Mr. Lambert ran a mail order catalogue for videos that showed "violent gang rape scenes, sexual intercourse between humans and animals and other sexual activity that involved urination, defecation, fisting, bondage and sadistic and masochistic conduct." The sucker didn't even make those videos, he just sold them. For his sins, he was sentenced to 30 months by a federal court. In the end, he was the one being punch fucked by that gang of judges (yes, I know "punch fucked" is obscene, but hopefully I've included some "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value" in its use).

Perverts: 0
Religious People: 1

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 20:00:44 GMT

The War on Lust

Starting today, I will do a series of articles looking at the current war over nasty, dirty, low-down, oh-spank-me-daddy-spank-me-until-my-ass-explodes-in-bliss sexual behavior, which I will simply call the War on Lust. On the one side, we have perverts (a derogatory term for people with a libido), and the merchants who cater to them. On the other side we have the religious people (a euphemism for people filled with so much misanthropy and misery that they can't fathom embracing humanity and reality). They skirmish and battle over porn, strip clubs, sex clubs and Paris Hilton. They fight in courts of law, courts of public opinion, and the voting booth. Of course, unless the trajectory of human history boomerangs, the perverts will ultimately win. But it will cost us all in time, energy and well-being. Stay tuned for the carnal carnage!

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 07:00:46 GMT

Suicidal people get a bad rap. They're not all depressed and sullen and serious, some of them have a sense of humor, too! Like this guy in Thailand, who killed himself by sealing his nose and mouth shut with super glue. It's fun, radical, never-been-done-before, and best of all, it's a product endorsement! It sure puts the boring ol' gunshot-to-the-head to shame. Now, if only someone would kill him/herself with a spork...

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:31:13 GMT

Tagged!

I just got done tagging all my entries. My favorite tag, with 7 entries so far (including this one) and many more to come: Vagina.

Also, now that I'm using tags, I will no longer put in my usual made-up songs and inappropriate mood. This way, the space for tags, music and mood will be uncluttered by the last two.

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 03:41:33 GMT

Proposed anti-flag burning amendment:

"The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."

One of the American Flag Day tradition is almost upon us: The annual attempt to pass a Constitutional amendment against flag burning. As usual, the proposed amendment will sail through the demagogic House, while coming to a real fight in the Senate. In the past, the amendment has always died there. This time, though, the Republicans have an expanded majority, which gives the censorious amendment its best chance ever. Still, I very much doubt it will pass. That 2/3rd majority requirement to properly lubricate the passage of a potential amendment is tough to achieve, and we'll likely find the proposal stuck within the constipated confines of fascist fantasy for another year.

It is, of course, ridiculous to rally around this alleged symbol of freedom right now when the actual freedom it represents is being trampled on. We have secret trials, secret imprisonment, not-so-secret torture and all manners of undemocratic activities perpetrated by the douche-swilling administration. If any amendment needs passing, it would be one to ensure more freedom and protection for those under US jurisdiction. But hell, I'd settle for the existing amendments being given the proper respect.

And now, on a lighter note—a fun way to subvert anti-flag desecration laws if they ever pass:

Take a , cut it into strips of red, white and blue, then sew it back into a . Use a camera to document the process. Then, burn it in front of your nearest city hall. Should you get in any trouble, calmly inform the authorities that you simply desecrated a symbol of France, something that any true American would get behind.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 05:45:21 GMT

Update on this entry:

Joe Pomerening has set up an online petition in support of relieving Zach of his unnecessary treatment. Feel free to sign it. At the very least, it provides a centralized location with open access to show support for Zach—a public get well card for the kid.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 01:17:12 GMT

Out with the old, in with the new:

Next up: zygotes!

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 05:50:28 GMT

Upcoming movies that interest me a bit, though I probably won't see them:

Homie Spumoni
Premise: Darkie gets raised as Eyetalian, finds out he's black, hilarity ensues.
Point of interest: Continues the proud tradition of comedies about ethnic mixups.
Surprise: Cuba Gooding Jr. isn't cast as the lead.
Gloomy forecast: The movie title will be the funniest joke from the film.

Transformers the Movie
Premise: Alien robots that turn into commercial products fight over batteries.
Point of interest: Will there be an iPod™ transformer?
Surprise: The movie shares a screenwriter with Catwoman.
Gloomy forecast: The cassette transformers will not be making an appearance.

Resident Evil 4
Premise: Humans vs. mutant zombies.
Point of interest: It proves that movies based on video games can succeed, even if it's for reasons that no sane person can fathom.
Surprise: The 3rd one hasn't even been made yet!
Gloomy forecast: The release of Resident Evil 23, after which humanity is wiped out, though not by mutant zombies.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 12:33:22 GMT

The Cunt Master

Ever wished you had a more muscular vagina? A more macho twat? Now you can! The Magic Banana™ is an exercise device that will strengthen your snatch. Use it everyday for a month, and you'll be able to fuck yourself with a lump of coal, squeeze and then queef diamonds!

Seriously, this is an actual device for a vaginal workout with the actual name of Magic Banana invented by an actual Canadian. It explains how countrywoman Celine Dion manages to ride her sasquatch of a husband without crumpling her papery pelvis.