| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|11:34 am] |
Superman's Widow Gets CancerDana Reeve, the widow of deceased Superman star Christopher Reeve, has decided to preemptively respond to shocking revelations about her in an upcoming tabloid.
On the one hand, she admits that some of the claims are correct. She is, indeed, struggling with lung cancer. And as the chairwoman of the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Foundation, she will redirect its advocacy and research towards lung cancer. Accordingly, the organization will be renamed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Lung Cancer Foundation.
On the other hand, she disputes the publication's assertion that she said the following to a friend in a restaurant:People are going to talk so much shit when they hear about this. They'll say I'm ditching the paralysis cause now that I've got cancer. But it's not like Chris ever gave a shit about paralysis until the accident. Then all of a sudden he's a hero 'cause he gets wheeled to award shows and begs for money to cure himself. Yeah, well, fuck that dead cripple! I'm the still here. And I plan to stick around. Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account. The only factual news it contains is that Dana Reeve has lung cancer, which she totally deserves for all those years of smoking kryptonite rocks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:53 am] |
Dead Baby FloatToday's news brings us a spectacular answer to an ancient question—How do you make a dead baby float?Two-year-old Jatama Greene of Gary was ejected about 8:45 p.m. from the truck her mother was driving on the Cline Avenue ramp from the eastbound Indiana Toll Road. ... Keisha Bethley was driving in a car behind that driven by Jatama’s mother, Jacqueline Greene, when she saw the lead vehicle lose control and strike the retaining wall on the Cline Avenue ramp. ... The baby flew from the window, Bethley said. This brings to mind The Simpsons episode "Moe Baby Blues", where little Maggie Simpson was also launched from a car on a bridge. Luckily for Maggie, she was caught by Moe Szyslak. Unluckily for her real life counterpart, there was no syphilitic bartender to catch Jatama.
The authorities are still searching for the projectile infant, but unless she's a champion swimmer in the making, she's probably dead. While the death of one so young is tragic, the extraordinary circumstance of this death merits whimsy and humor. After all, as Modest Mouse says, "we'll all float on anyway." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Fat, Drunken Star Trek Actor CroaksFat, drunken actor James Doohan, who played fat, drunken engineer Scotty in the Star Trek franchise, died today at the age of 85 from being so very fat and drunk. He was mainly known for obeying the phrase "beam me up, Scotty!", a phrase that headline writers announcing his death are happily abusing. He was often confused for fellow actor John Cleese and the whale in Star Trek IV. He is loved by similarly fat and drunken Star Trek fans, many of whom threaten to stuff their fat, drunken selves into ill-fitting costumes to attend his funeral.
In response to the news, Star Trek cast mate William Shatner released a statement claiming "first dibs" on Doohan's hair for a toupee. From his office in Seattle, Satan also released a statement promising that Doohan will be "sexually violated by Tribbles for his part in Star Trek V". |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|05:42 am] |
Bible-Thumping Dad Suspects 3 Year Old Son is Gay, Beats Son to DeathIn between taking Little Ronnie to Bible study, Ronnie Paris Jr. would beat his son until the child cried. Then, after one particularly harsh bout, the kid lapsed into a coma and died 6 days later. The dad was apparently worried that his son might be gay, and tried to straighten his child with child abuse, according to the sister of the neglectful mother. We'll never know if Mr. Paris succeeded in beating the gay out of his son, but we do know that Mr. Paris will probably have the gay beat into him in prison. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|03:00 am] |
Suicidal people get a bad rap. They're not all depressed and sullen and serious, some of them have a sense of humor, too! Like this guy in Thailand, who killed himself by sealing his nose and mouth shut with super glue. It's fun, radical, never-been-done-before, and best of all, it's a product endorsement! It sure puts the boring ol' gunshot-to-the-head to shame. Now, if only someone would kill him/herself with a spork... |
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| My Darwin Awards Submission |
[May. 26th, 2005|08:37 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | death, fun, mockery, news, retard | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Choate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "(Should've Stayed in the) Passenger Seat" - Death Cab for D | ] |
Here is my submission to the Darwin Awards:
Media Reference: http://www.local6.com/news/4387914/detail.html
I am sure car-surfing deaths are routine among Darwin Award submissions, but this one left behind a half-baked online journal that makes a sturdy case of the benefit of his departure.
First, the details: 17 years old Brandon Burkhart was thrown from the roof of a car and ran over. The teenager had been indulging in the sport of car surfing, whereby the surfer hangs onto the roof of a car as it accelerates. He died on the spot.
Then, browse his Live(snicker)Journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/brandonburkhart/
There, you'll find drug-induced rants about sordid romantic troubles, general ennui and drugs themselves. Interspersed among such semi-coherent babbles are terse little entries spotlighting one or two vulgarities such as: "FUCK," which is followed by "fuck me," which foreshadowed, "FUCK....SHIT...." His very last entry goes, "what would you say to a fucked up life...well you know one and thats me.....and I have to fix it." And fix it, he most certainly did.
While the ability to express a coherent, worthwhile thought once in a while is not, alas, a qualification for living, it is nice to see that one flunky volunteered to spare the world his unlettered ways. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2005|11:56 pm] |
I first posted this this little fairy tale as a reply to someone's angsty post about heaven, and now I want to share it with all of you:
When one dies, one emerges in the Chocolate Factory of Perpetual Wonder as presided over by the Majestic Willy Wonka. Once there, the good children will receive Everlasting Gobstoppers, while the bad children will be tortured by trained squirrels while the Divine Army of Oompa Loompas diss the brats with clever raps.
Of course, as in the Christian one, there is a polemic in this afterlife. But fear not, for the good children will instinctively know that the bad children have it coming. In fact, the good children enjoy the suffering of the bad ones. It's just another perk of being good on the ride down the Chocolate River Styx.
So open your heart to the Wonka. The golden ticket lies within you. All you have to do is watch your diet, ease up on the gum-chewing, don't be a brat, unglue yourself from your TV, and you'll be on your way to a delicious death. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2005|03:43 am] |
Yet another graphic-centric post from me:
That's a touch of sausage whimsy at the funeral for the spokesperson of Oscar Meyer. And yes, they did sing the jingle at the proceedings. |
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