| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2005|06:28 pm] |
There's something a bit queer about these new U.S. Army recruitment ads...
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|06:02 pm] |
For those of you who live in the US (i.e. the ones who matter), you are probably familiar with the recent craze of slapping yellow "support our troops" ribbons on cars and other places. It's nice, but it seems a bit somber. Where's the fun, the joy, the triumph of being an American soldier? They travel the world, bringing freedom and democracy to wherever they go. I can do better, and I did:
Use this address: http://www.filehigh.com/serve/4440/34719.gif to post the pic on your journal or site, or the terrorists win.
Other versions of the design for whatever patriotic purposes you may have: |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|11:34 am] |
Superman's Widow Gets CancerDana Reeve, the widow of deceased Superman star Christopher Reeve, has decided to preemptively respond to shocking revelations about her in an upcoming tabloid.
On the one hand, she admits that some of the claims are correct. She is, indeed, struggling with lung cancer. And as the chairwoman of the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Foundation, she will redirect its advocacy and research towards lung cancer. Accordingly, the organization will be renamed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Lung Cancer Foundation.
On the other hand, she disputes the publication's assertion that she said the following to a friend in a restaurant:People are going to talk so much shit when they hear about this. They'll say I'm ditching the paralysis cause now that I've got cancer. But it's not like Chris ever gave a shit about paralysis until the accident. Then all of a sudden he's a hero 'cause he gets wheeled to award shows and begs for money to cure himself. Yeah, well, fuck that dead cripple! I'm the still here. And I plan to stick around. Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account. The only factual news it contains is that Dana Reeve has lung cancer, which she totally deserves for all those years of smoking kryptonite rocks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:53 am] |
Dead Baby FloatToday's news brings us a spectacular answer to an ancient question—How do you make a dead baby float?Two-year-old Jatama Greene of Gary was ejected about 8:45 p.m. from the truck her mother was driving on the Cline Avenue ramp from the eastbound Indiana Toll Road. ... Keisha Bethley was driving in a car behind that driven by Jatama’s mother, Jacqueline Greene, when she saw the lead vehicle lose control and strike the retaining wall on the Cline Avenue ramp. ... The baby flew from the window, Bethley said. This brings to mind The Simpsons episode "Moe Baby Blues", where little Maggie Simpson was also launched from a car on a bridge. Luckily for Maggie, she was caught by Moe Szyslak. Unluckily for her real life counterpart, there was no syphilitic bartender to catch Jatama.
The authorities are still searching for the projectile infant, but unless she's a champion swimmer in the making, she's probably dead. While the death of one so young is tragic, the extraordinary circumstance of this death merits whimsy and humor. After all, as Modest Mouse says, "we'll all float on anyway." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|08:52 am] |
If only I had a sufficiently ignorant acquaintance who is pregnant or has a newborn, I could give her this lovely bib as a gift, and tell her that "bukkake" means "sunshine" in Hawaiian. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Fat, Drunken Star Trek Actor CroaksFat, drunken actor James Doohan, who played fat, drunken engineer Scotty in the Star Trek franchise, died today at the age of 85 from being so very fat and drunk. He was mainly known for obeying the phrase "beam me up, Scotty!", a phrase that headline writers announcing his death are happily abusing. He was often confused for fellow actor John Cleese and the whale in Star Trek IV. He is loved by similarly fat and drunken Star Trek fans, many of whom threaten to stuff their fat, drunken selves into ill-fitting costumes to attend his funeral.
In response to the news, Star Trek cast mate William Shatner released a statement claiming "first dibs" on Doohan's hair for a toupee. From his office in Seattle, Satan also released a statement promising that Doohan will be "sexually violated by Tribbles for his part in Star Trek V". |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|05:59 pm] |
A long time ago, my friend Lampetia and I tossed around some ideas for a proper tribute to 9/11. We settled on a rave, in lieu of some somber, drab service with prayer and mourning. Why? Because the terrorists did not attack the US for its piety. They did so for the very opposite reason—They see Americans as debauched, uninhibited, godless, joyful, and it makes those ascetics fume. So what better way to show the cultists the country did not quaver and draw back from its decadent ways than a big ol' rave?
Well, she brought up the idea again recently, in reaction to news about two upcoming 9/11 films. She also left a hint that I should draw up an invite for this fantasy event, so here it is:
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
Dubya-Wubya had a Great FallPoor Bushie! Ol' Mama Babs should never have taken off his training wheel, 'cause her special little boy keeps falling off his bike. Well, he did it again, only this time, he rammed into a Scottish policeman. Since the pretzeldent is over there to make friends, maybe he should try a more secluded location to go peddling. May I suggest the cliffs in Eshaness? It's a very scenic location, with lots of jagged rocks and thundering waves to cradle any unfortunate spills.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|11:28 pm] |
Cosplay.com's Extreme Oddity of the WeekFor background info on this series, refer to the this post. And now, without further ado, I present to you this week's holocaust for the eyes:
He was part of a Mermaid Parade on Coney Island. If he actually swam in the sea, though, all the whales would flop onto the nearest beach and beg to be made sushi. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|10:23 pm] |
Cosplay.com's Extreme Oddity of the WeekFor those of you who don't know, cosplay refers to the practice of anime/manga (and sometimes other media as well) fans who dress up like their favorite characters. In many cases, it's a geeky excuse for teens to explore their budding homosexuality, and/or dress up like a crazed whore. Cosplay.com provides a photo section that lets such hobbyists display the damage. Sometimes, though, a member goes above and beyond the call of dorkdom to produce an Extreme Oddity, like this one:
No, you silly little cunt, putting menses-smeared TP on your face is not artistic.
PS: This guy will be the next Columbine-style school shooter. You heard it here first. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|03:00 am] |
Suicidal people get a bad rap. They're not all depressed and sullen and serious, some of them have a sense of humor, too! Like this guy in Thailand, who killed himself by sealing his nose and mouth shut with super glue. It's fun, radical, never-been-done-before, and best of all, it's a product endorsement! It sure puts the boring ol' gunshot-to-the-head to shame. Now, if only someone would kill him/herself with a spork... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | activism, censorship, civil rights, constitution, free speech, fun, mockery, news, opinion, patriotism, politics | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Annular | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Star Spangled Bologna" - The Evolution Control Committee | ] |
Proposed anti-flag burning amendment:
"The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."
One of the American Flag Day tradition is almost upon us: The annual attempt to pass a Constitutional amendment against flag burning. As usual, the proposed amendment will sail through the demagogic House, while coming to a real fight in the Senate. In the past, the amendment has always died there. This time, though, the Republicans have an expanded majority, which gives the censorious amendment its best chance ever. Still, I very much doubt it will pass. That 2/3rd majority requirement to properly lubricate the passage of a potential amendment is tough to achieve, and we'll likely find the proposal stuck within the constipated confines of fascist fantasy for another year.
It is, of course, ridiculous to rally around this alleged symbol of freedom right now when the actual freedom it represents is being trampled on. We have secret trials, secret imprisonment, not-so-secret torture and all manners of undemocratic activities perpetrated by the douche-swilling administration. If any amendment needs passing, it would be one to ensure more freedom and protection for those under US jurisdiction. But hell, I'd settle for the existing amendments being given the proper respect.
And now, on a lighter note—a fun way to subvert anti-flag desecration laws if they ever pass:
Take a  , cut it into strips of red, white and blue, then sew it back into a  . Use a camera to document the process. Then, burn it in front of your nearest city hall. Should you get in any trouble, calmly inform the authorities that you simply desecrated a symbol of France, something that any true American would get behind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|09:17 pm] |
Out with the old, in with the new:
Next up: zygotes! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|01:50 am] |
Upcoming movies that interest me a bit, though I probably won't see them:
Homie Spumoni
Premise: Darkie gets raised as Eyetalian, finds out he's black, hilarity ensues.
Point of interest: Continues the proud tradition of comedies about ethnic mixups.
Surprise: Cuba Gooding Jr. isn't cast as the lead.
Gloomy forecast: The movie title will be the funniest joke from the film.
Transformers the Movie
Premise: Alien robots that turn into commercial products fight over batteries.
Point of interest: Will there be an iPod™ transformer?
Surprise: The movie shares a screenwriter with Catwoman.
Gloomy forecast: The cassette transformers will not be making an appearance.
Resident Evil 4
Premise: Humans vs. mutant zombies.
Point of interest: It proves that movies based on video games can succeed, even if it's for reasons that no sane person can fathom.
Surprise: The 3rd one hasn't even been made yet!
Gloomy forecast: The release of Resident Evil 23, after which humanity is wiped out, though not by mutant zombies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|06:27 pm] |
At about 51 dollars a pop, I can't recommend that anybody actually buy this shirt. I do, however, hope that all who gazes upon it draws inspiration and possibly erotic joy from it. The "2SickBastards" title under the picture is actually the name of the company that produces the shirt, although it fits better here than on any of their other shirts (all modeled with celebrity mug shots). One sick bastard down, one more to go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2005|02:08 am] |
This lovely picture is brought to you by Mirko Ilić, who designed it as the cover for a Massachusetts guide to gay marriage. It's a bold, confrontational statement that shows America embracing Justice by rejecting the land's Puritan baggage. The drawing belongs on many more places than just pamphlet covers. |
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| My Darwin Awards Submission |
[May. 26th, 2005|08:37 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | death, fun, mockery, news, retard | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Choate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "(Should've Stayed in the) Passenger Seat" - Death Cab for D | ] |
Here is my submission to the Darwin Awards:
Media Reference: http://www.local6.com/news/4387914/detail.html
I am sure car-surfing deaths are routine among Darwin Award submissions, but this one left behind a half-baked online journal that makes a sturdy case of the benefit of his departure.
First, the details: 17 years old Brandon Burkhart was thrown from the roof of a car and ran over. The teenager had been indulging in the sport of car surfing, whereby the surfer hangs onto the roof of a car as it accelerates. He died on the spot.
Then, browse his Live(snicker)Journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/brandonburkhart/
There, you'll find drug-induced rants about sordid romantic troubles, general ennui and drugs themselves. Interspersed among such semi-coherent babbles are terse little entries spotlighting one or two vulgarities such as: "FUCK," which is followed by "fuck me," which foreshadowed, "FUCK....SHIT...." His very last entry goes, "what would you say to a fucked up life...well you know one and thats me.....and I have to fix it." And fix it, he most certainly did.
While the ability to express a coherent, worthwhile thought once in a while is not, alas, a qualification for living, it is nice to see that one flunky volunteered to spare the world his unlettered ways. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2005|03:43 pm] |
My previous post reminded me of a recent discussion with a friend. We were talking about truly offensive words, and we came to the conclusion that the two most offensive words these days are "nigger" and "cunt." They are the king and queen of verbal obscenities. I suggested that they should be used together for maximum effect, and my friend came up with this insult: "You nappy-haired nigger's cunt!" Try to work it into the next opportunity for insult!
You nappy-haired nigger's cunt! |
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| My Review of the X-Box |
[May. 13th, 2005|06:32 pm] |
I had an extended discussion on a message board about the aesthetic merits of the new X-Box, I'll just share my best bits, minus the detritus:
This X-Box looks like a computer tower being strangled, an ungainly hourglass of fug.
...
This vicious stab to the eyes in the form of a gaming appliance will be primarily bought and used by greasy youngsters in dark rooms. Thus preserving the rest of civilization, which they have little to do with, from the horror that is the X-Box.
...
Saying it looks better than the old X-Box is like saying that a toilet is better to drink out of than a septic tank.
...
In case any designers involved with the X-Box are reading this, here's my advice: Go to your nearest KFC and find a spork. Note its delightful, whimsical form. Gaze well at its multi-functional shape. Then, with the utmost force, jab it into your eyeballs that have served you so poorly. This way, you can truly empathize with those on the receiving end of your design. And understanding the customer is the key to good design. |
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