| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|11:34 am] |
Superman's Widow Gets CancerDana Reeve, the widow of deceased Superman star Christopher Reeve, has decided to preemptively respond to shocking revelations about her in an upcoming tabloid.
On the one hand, she admits that some of the claims are correct. She is, indeed, struggling with lung cancer. And as the chairwoman of the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Foundation, she will redirect its advocacy and research towards lung cancer. Accordingly, the organization will be renamed the Christopher and Dana Reeve Lung Cancer Foundation.
On the other hand, she disputes the publication's assertion that she said the following to a friend in a restaurant:People are going to talk so much shit when they hear about this. They'll say I'm ditching the paralysis cause now that I've got cancer. But it's not like Chris ever gave a shit about paralysis until the accident. Then all of a sudden he's a hero 'cause he gets wheeled to award shows and begs for money to cure himself. Yeah, well, fuck that dead cripple! I'm the still here. And I plan to stick around. Disclaimer: The above is a fictional account. The only factual news it contains is that Dana Reeve has lung cancer, which she totally deserves for all those years of smoking kryptonite rocks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:53 am] |
Dead Baby FloatToday's news brings us a spectacular answer to an ancient question—How do you make a dead baby float?Two-year-old Jatama Greene of Gary was ejected about 8:45 p.m. from the truck her mother was driving on the Cline Avenue ramp from the eastbound Indiana Toll Road. ... Keisha Bethley was driving in a car behind that driven by Jatama’s mother, Jacqueline Greene, when she saw the lead vehicle lose control and strike the retaining wall on the Cline Avenue ramp. ... The baby flew from the window, Bethley said. This brings to mind The Simpsons episode "Moe Baby Blues", where little Maggie Simpson was also launched from a car on a bridge. Luckily for Maggie, she was caught by Moe Szyslak. Unluckily for her real life counterpart, there was no syphilitic bartender to catch Jatama.
The authorities are still searching for the projectile infant, but unless she's a champion swimmer in the making, she's probably dead. While the death of one so young is tragic, the extraordinary circumstance of this death merits whimsy and humor. After all, as Modest Mouse says, "we'll all float on anyway." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2005|02:16 am] |
My New AIM Screen NameAOL has seen fit to can my former AIM screen name without warning. While no official reason was given, I suspect it's to do with the fact that that screen name came from an AOL account that was canceled a while ago. As a result, I have lost my entire buddy list, which contained many screen names I don't exactly remember. So, my AIM-linked friends, please contact me at my new screen name: insightdelight.
To everybody else, feel free to drop me a line at the above screen name. Messages of praise and adulation are most welcome, as are complaints on how I have offended you.
In the latter case, please be specific about how, when and with what I have offended you. Please also be specific about how the offense has affected you, so that I may better tailor a remedy, for instance:- Did the offense cause you to lose sleep? If so, how much?
- Did the offense give you pains in your body? If so, where and how severe is it?
- Did the offense cause you to douche with gasoline, then play hopscotch over a fire pit?
Your complaint will be ignored in the order it is received. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:47 pm] |
Fat, Drunken Star Trek Actor CroaksFat, drunken actor James Doohan, who played fat, drunken engineer Scotty in the Star Trek franchise, died today at the age of 85 from being so very fat and drunk. He was mainly known for obeying the phrase "beam me up, Scotty!", a phrase that headline writers announcing his death are happily abusing. He was often confused for fellow actor John Cleese and the whale in Star Trek IV. He is loved by similarly fat and drunken Star Trek fans, many of whom threaten to stuff their fat, drunken selves into ill-fitting costumes to attend his funeral.
In response to the news, Star Trek cast mate William Shatner released a statement claiming "first dibs" on Doohan's hair for a toupee. From his office in Seattle, Satan also released a statement promising that Doohan will be "sexually violated by Tribbles for his part in Star Trek V". |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|05:42 am] |
Bible-Thumping Dad Suspects 3 Year Old Son is Gay, Beats Son to DeathIn between taking Little Ronnie to Bible study, Ronnie Paris Jr. would beat his son until the child cried. Then, after one particularly harsh bout, the kid lapsed into a coma and died 6 days later. The dad was apparently worried that his son might be gay, and tried to straighten his child with child abuse, according to the sister of the neglectful mother. We'll never know if Mr. Paris succeeded in beating the gay out of his son, but we do know that Mr. Paris will probably have the gay beat into him in prison. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | activism, censorship, civil rights, constitution, free speech, fun, mockery, news, opinion, patriotism, politics | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Annular | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Star Spangled Bologna" - The Evolution Control Committee | ] |
Proposed anti-flag burning amendment:
"The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."
One of the American Flag Day tradition is almost upon us: The annual attempt to pass a Constitutional amendment against flag burning. As usual, the proposed amendment will sail through the demagogic House, while coming to a real fight in the Senate. In the past, the amendment has always died there. This time, though, the Republicans have an expanded majority, which gives the censorious amendment its best chance ever. Still, I very much doubt it will pass. That 2/3rd majority requirement to properly lubricate the passage of a potential amendment is tough to achieve, and we'll likely find the proposal stuck within the constipated confines of fascist fantasy for another year.
It is, of course, ridiculous to rally around this alleged symbol of freedom right now when the actual freedom it represents is being trampled on. We have secret trials, secret imprisonment, not-so-secret torture and all manners of undemocratic activities perpetrated by the douche-swilling administration. If any amendment needs passing, it would be one to ensure more freedom and protection for those under US jurisdiction. But hell, I'd settle for the existing amendments being given the proper respect.
And now, on a lighter note—a fun way to subvert anti-flag desecration laws if they ever pass:
Take a  , cut it into strips of red, white and blue, then sew it back into a  . Use a camera to document the process. Then, burn it in front of your nearest city hall. Should you get in any trouble, calmly inform the authorities that you simply desecrated a symbol of France, something that any true American would get behind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|03:55 am] |
Vagina dentata, or cunt teeth, is a paranoid fantasy Freud cooked up. A less dramatic and more practical version, however, may soon find its way to the market in South Africa. Sonette Ehlers, reacting to the high incidence of rape in the country, has shepherded the creation of a tampon-like device that will trap an invading penis with microscopic teeth. Once it latches on, it can only be removed by doctors with the help of anesthetics, forcing the rapist to come forward. It will also prevent semen from contaminating the victim, protecting her from the possibility of STDs and pregnancy.
But it won't exactly lead to any scenes of a rapist dancing with pain as a bear trap is clamped onto his dick. According to the article, the rapist won't even notice the device until he withdraws his cock. It sounds more like a combination of a Chinese finger trap and a female condom than an H.R. Giger afterglow made real. Still, it's another potential weapon against rape, and a pretty unique one at that, even if it doesn't have much of a bite. |
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| Condoms Finally Penetrate Primetime |
[May. 31st, 2005|04:09 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | censorship, christianity, civil rights, contraceptives, free speech, fundamentalism, news, opinion, religion, sex, sex ed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Oblong | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Everybody Fucks Raymond" - Dick Trickle | ] |
It's not even as if condoms were a big secret. It's just that the most popular medium in the country—network television—is controlled by spineless, shortsighted douchebags. They choose to let the wretched worshippers who cling to delusions of a next life while quivering in fear of this one assert that perverted paradigm on saner folks. Thus, it's not until now that the simpering execs have finally been bribed into allowing Trojan™ ads on primetime TV.
It's not enough. It's time we recognize and proclaim the religious for what they are: people with a morality based on antiquated fiction, which is to say they have no morality at all. Sure, some religious rules may coincide with the greater good. But what are those rules based on? Sordid fairy tales that are just as likely to crap out backwards proclamations. Moral considerations are only valid if they're true, and there is no truth to religion.
Instead, all talk of morality should be challenged and critiqued on the basis of scientific fact and sound logic. If something is good or bad, that quality comes from its actual effect on the actual world, not what some fictional character may say about it.
So if someone says condoms are immoral, ask the person why. If the person mentions god, laugh and demand a real reason. This goes for everything else, too. We need to be vocal and clear about it—any sentiment rooted in piety deserves no respect. |
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| My Darwin Awards Submission |
[May. 26th, 2005|08:37 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | death, fun, mockery, news, retard | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Choate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "(Should've Stayed in the) Passenger Seat" - Death Cab for D | ] |
Here is my submission to the Darwin Awards:
Media Reference: http://www.local6.com/news/4387914/detail.html
I am sure car-surfing deaths are routine among Darwin Award submissions, but this one left behind a half-baked online journal that makes a sturdy case of the benefit of his departure.
First, the details: 17 years old Brandon Burkhart was thrown from the roof of a car and ran over. The teenager had been indulging in the sport of car surfing, whereby the surfer hangs onto the roof of a car as it accelerates. He died on the spot.
Then, browse his Live(snicker)Journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/brandonburkhart/
There, you'll find drug-induced rants about sordid romantic troubles, general ennui and drugs themselves. Interspersed among such semi-coherent babbles are terse little entries spotlighting one or two vulgarities such as: "FUCK," which is followed by "fuck me," which foreshadowed, "FUCK....SHIT...." His very last entry goes, "what would you say to a fucked up life...well you know one and thats me.....and I have to fix it." And fix it, he most certainly did.
While the ability to express a coherent, worthwhile thought once in a while is not, alas, a qualification for living, it is nice to see that one flunky volunteered to spare the world his unlettered ways. |
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| It Worked |
[May. 14th, 2005|12:40 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | activism, ass, bush, christianity, civil rights, contraceptives, fundamentalism, news, politics, rape, religion, sex | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Geminate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "There's a Demon in My Toaster" - Nancy Kockabich | ] |
Dr. No No More (Link)
Dr. W. David Hager, the fundamentalist minion of Bush on the FDA advisory panel, will no longer seek reappointment to the panel when his term expires in June 30th. He claims the decision is totally coincidental to the revelation that he raped his wife through sodomy. Fellow zealots from Focus on the Family claim that Hager's under attack for his loony beliefs, and that his conviction against contraceptives outweighs his penchant for sexual assault. |
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| Lamest Defense Ever |
[May. 13th, 2005|05:14 pm] |
The Gist:
State Senator Mike Foley is leading the charge against legislation prohibiting discrimination based on gender preference in the government of Nebraska. He calls it part of an agenda to legitimize the "gay lifestyle," and says "we don't need that agenda." However, Foley insists he's not homophobic, because he enjoys the music of Elton John. (Link to story)
My Take:
This gentleman, and I use that term with the looseness of an industrious whore, can't even be bothered to use the old nugget: "some of my friends are gay." No, instead he said he likes Elton's music. Notice he merely indicated liking rather than owning the music of the Rocket Man. He probably means that if he hears Elton John in a hotel lobby whilst on his way to a clandestine tryst with the aforementioned whore, he won't plug his ears immediately and chant the Lord's Prayer to ward off the sounds of sodom. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2005|09:44 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | activism, ass, bush, christianity, civil rights, contraceptives, fundamentalism, news, politics, rape, religion, sex | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Cuntastic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "You're Pregnant, I'm Broke" - Icky Mickey | ] |
Doctor No: Rapist as Crusader? (Link)
Dr. W. David Hager is one of the many Christians empowered by Bush's reign of piety. The faith-based OB/GYN—who vocally opposes contraceptives and abortions—was nonetheless appointed by the Cardinal in Chief to an FDA advisory committee. Once there, Hager claims to have steered the FDA away from the emergency contraceptive Plan B. It's almost certain that he would be reappointed come June.
But there's hope for the flowering gonads of our nation, because it turns out that the erotophobe is a rapist. His ex-wife now says, with confirmation from others, that her then husband forced her to have anal sex against her will. He would sometimes force himself on her while she was unconscious (she suffers from narcolepsy). If this scandal blows up big enough, it will keep the shaman from interfering with modern medicine. |
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| T-Shirt Hell Freezes Over |
[May. 2nd, 2005|04:53 pm] |
The internet's top store for tasteless, offensive, and occasionally, witty t-shirts has just decided to censor itself. The owner announces, with this press release, that the Worse Than Hell section of the store will be closed permanently. That's the section where fashion victimizers will find shirts making light of everything from The Tsunami to rape to gay-bashing to racism. I personally fancied the "Abortion Tickles" shirt from that category, but I guess there will be no more uterine flicking.
It's a sad day that even this bastion of bad taste will bow to the army of offended people. Being offended is not a medical condition, it's a state of mind. Tsunamis, rape, gay-bashing and racism themselves are the problem, t-shirts that say silly things about them? Not so much. |
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| Teen Girl Charged with Making Child Porn of Herself |
[May. 1st, 2005|04:40 am] |
According to this little blurb of a story, a 15 year old girl has been arrested for making and distributing pictures of herself in the nude and performing various sex acts. She has been charged with sexual abuse of children, possession of child pornography and dissemination of child pornography.
It's a case of reflexive child exploitation. What next? Charging kids with child molestation when they masturbate? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2005|03:43 am] |
Yet another graphic-centric post from me:
That's a touch of sausage whimsy at the funeral for the spokesperson of Oscar Meyer. And yes, they did sing the jingle at the proceedings. |
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